Broken

5 months... It has been 5 months since I last saw you Panda...still you get to cross my mind every now and then...
Anyway, this has nothing to do with what I'm going to rant now...

No one can understand what I'm going through, but myself... What was that?

Where the hell am I going to get the pieces I'm looking for. This is way to more like a midlife crisis. I want to travel around the world... I want growth on my career... I want to get married with someone who'll accept me for what I am, for what I want , I want to make my family proud of me. But looks like I was trying too hard... ending up broken. I don't know my top priorities. I know I wanted to travel ... but it would be better if I have someone beside me to accompany me..

Who's that guy?

Yeah yeah... Don't make promises when you're happy or angry! Damn! Why do end up liking guys who don't even know what they want in life- maybe because I too doesn't know what I want in my life hahaha. I don't know how it feels to fall in love anymore. All this time, I think I never was in love with anyone else, rather I see them as an achievement... That's why I end up liking someone who rarely date me or talk to me. I'm so fond and excited with the chasing part -- me chasing them rather than them chasing me. I get easily annoyed when someone's chasing me or is very predictable with what they can do to get me.

Is really the mysteriousness of guys that makes them attractive? In my observation, girls love bad ass looking guys. They have nice guys around them but often just place them on the friend zone. As much I wanted to tell myself to rest from dating guys and focus on my family, career growth, money, and travel, still I entertain guys for dating.

Damn damn damn! I can't find the right guy. If there's no right guy, then I should settle for the one's left ...

New Guy

When can you tell you're ready to date a new guy after a huge heartbreak?
How on earth are you going to find out that this time it will be different?
Maybe I'm just rushing into things right now that in order to forget my old guy, I have to find a new guy.
But I'm not sure if it's a good idea or not.

I am dating a new guy right now. He's personality kinda interests me. But at first, I hesitated of going out with him because I was so afraid that I might get easily caught by him and rush into things and I might get hurt again for the nnnnntttthh time! But I can't help it. He asked me out one time, I wanted to refuse him, but I can't hide that I am shuddered in delight upon knowing that he likes to hang out with me that often so we can get to know each other better.

Really? am I ready for this? Dating... can I really call it a date?
Maybe I was just excited in the fact that someone is interested with me.
But now, I think the best thing to do is hold back a little bit and don't plunge into having a relationship just because I'm lonely and I came from a heartbreak.

Maybe it's better to just play around for the moment.
Just don't know until when am I going to be like this.

I just want to feel that I'm special to someone again.
I miss the feeling of being loved and cared...
I miss being someone's everything...

The End

Stupid blog! I just got back from Malaysia... I wasn't able to see him there. Not that I don't have the chance, but I don't want to, in spite the fact that I did book for Malaysia just to see him -- that was the original plan.

Kuala Lumpur is 4 hours away to Penang. Finally, everything ended. He has a new girlfriend now. Was so hard for me to find it out unexpectedly.... although he told me that by joking... thought it was just a joke but he was telling the truth that time. I almost passed out when I got to read how they exchange sweet words, their photos together where we never had one. How happy looking he was with her. All this time he was interested with someone else, that is why he keeps on telling me "I'm not yet ready"...

It was right for me to ignore him before. I know it's the right move. He never loved me or cared for me from the start. He really just want the "S" thing from me.

I don't wanna get mad anymore. I've had enough. Still,what happened between us makes me sad whenever it crosses my mind. But as my ex have told me before.. acceptance will bring me peace. I should learn to accept that some things are really not meant for me.

I'm still a creep and a weirdo

Yeah... I thought that I will no longer write on this blog. I thought I'm finally over him... As stupid as it may seem... I still am not! He texted me when he visited Philippines. He was asking me the stupid question if who am I dating now... but have not given him the chance to see me, though he did not really ask me to go out with him.

I thought that 2 months is enough to forget him and finally forget everything that he has done to me. That the longer that I haven't talk to him, ignore him, he will finally realize what have he done wrong. No, he did not realize anything. He has no idea that he did something wrong... or maybe he knows but there was too many pride in him to admit it.

For the past 2 months, I tried to keep myself busy by going to places I've never been, moving from one place to another, buying stuffs, reading books, pampering myself, even seeing and going out with a married man. ??? Am I out of my mind? yes! This is what heartbreak made me do.


I said I don't need a guy like him in my life. But it was never my intention to fell in love with him even if he doesn't deserve everything. I still care. He doesn't know how hard it was for me to ignore him and don't reply on his text, or block him on my facebook account. It was so hard for me to give him the space that I thought he needs. Ha! I still want him... Every time he texts me , I know I still can feel that I'm glad he remembered. As much as I wanted to reply, I know it was better not to. He doesn't know that... He thinks I did not care at all... He will never understand. Mamatay na ako pero mukang kahit kelan hindi niya malalaman kung gaano kahirap sa part ko.

Am I alone in this world feeling like this? Just wondering if someone else feels the same way for him. I wonder if he treated someone like this before...

Now he even doubt what I feel. He doesn't believe na gusto ko parin ang taong binabastos ako. That's the hardest part of loving. I don't care for myself at all. Haaay.... Weirdo talaga ko!

Panda is coming to Town

Can you not believe this?

I heard the most ear blasting news this morning! My worst nightmare is going to visit Philippines. I never thought that he'll be the first to get back here rather than me getting in Malaysia. How sad... I know we cut our communication already... and I can still understand that's he's only human. He will soon get tired of texting or calling me without me answering it... but I think that already happened. He's already tired of it... same as me so tired of waiting for him to finally treat me right.

But come to think of it? Looks like it is still me that is affected of his visit. I am still hoping that he would text me and inform me he's going to be here... that he wanted to see me.. What would I do if that happens? But no no no... I think it will be impossible for him to do that... I think he already have some other plans and I am not included in them. But still , I picture in my mind, him in front of me wearing the shirt I gave him... staring at those hazel brown eyes... Oh my G! What's going on? I thought I am finally over him... but I think he cut me so deep that it's not even close to being a scar... it's still a wound...

I would love to stab his heart! Stab him to death! arrrgh... Still afected? It is because I still care. Oh Panda! how I wish I could just forget you... forget everything... can someone rescue me from this bullshit??? is there someone out there willing to risk their heart for me???.

Am I talking too much?

Finally! He tried to call me early this morning... But then my phone rejected the call because I set it to be rejected. Now... He finally emailed me! For a long time, I have been waiting for him to contact me in other ways... He thought that my number is no longer working. So I think this coming months, I will no longer receive any messages from him. Ohhh... I don't know how to feel. He still doesn't know why am I ignoring him. He still doesn't understand.... I did enough explaining before... It's just that, why would he even tell me now that he hates it whenever I talk too much, that I can't keep anything to myself. Wala naman siya sa situation ko eh :( ... Hindi niya alam mga pinagdaanan ko. If he can't accept the fact that there is something wrong with him, then it's his problem. I just need to tell what's happening with my friends because I need someone to talk to... To tell me that life is not over just because I broke my heart for being stupid.

He doesn't really get it? I still love him... I still miss him... but he's not worth the pain and sacrifice. If he's not ready, he shouldn't have went beyond the limits of friendship. We did things more than a couple could do. Now he told me he wasn't ready??? So what am I? 

I hope someday he'll realize his mistakes. I don't blame him for everything. I have my own fault too... I should have not let him get this far. :( ... Now he's making me cry again. I'll hold my ground. I'll stay as it is. There's no future between us-- yun ang gusto ko isipin! 

My almost lover

It's been a month since the last time I answered his text and YM messages . I'm doing better now. I no longer cry on my sleep. I no longer wake up crying. Sleepless night were finally vanishing as time goes by. One day, all I can think about is how stupid I am to think that he even care. How blinded I am not to see his real purpose on keeping me. I've learned a lot during those hard times.  One day, he'll just have to look back at the times when I was always there for him, when I was always there to understand his needs... all the times when he feel so alone I was there to cheer him up.

I did love Jay... but I can no longer wait further for him to be ready. He told me that if he's ready, he "might" court me.. naaah... Whenever I think of the way he talks to me, I know he's lying.

I'll be on Malaysia by next month. He just texted me a while ago , asking if when will I go there...Urrrggh... of course I did not reply. I already told to myself, a very big damage has been done ...and it's over between us. I've been better without him... I just hope I can finally mend this broken heart of mine. I will not fall in love again unless I am ready. Oh , sounds familiar? Am I being like him now? But one thing for sure, if I know someone doesn't have a chance with me... I won't keep them hanging. I won't let them fall as I know what it feels like to fall for someone with no intention of catching you. These words are all that I can utter for now- "Goodbye my almost lover, my luckless romance and my hopeless dream.... "

Social Network for Desperate Lovers

Waiting for that cellular phone to ring? How about putting it on a silent mode so you'll have more suspense if someone did text or call you? 1 month have passed since the last time we saw each other... and honestly I am missing him again. For the first 2 weeks we did not cut our communication. He still texts me and I still text him. He even called me twice. But then it all ended up to the point again that even if he's no longer here, he hurt my feelings by the way he talks to me.

He still doesn't show the respect I wanted. He is obviously just talking to me because he needs something from me. I came to this point where I have decided to cut all communications with him. One good start is blocking him in YM and Facebook, then adding both his Globe and Malaysia number to my rejected number list. He have no idea that I'll be gone for good. He still text me (sad for me not having a smartphone that can block SMS). But for 2 weeks I haven't talk to him which is a good sign that taking this step will make things better this time.

But what? I created my google+(a news trending SNS application) account by google. Then just this week he appeared on my suggested list of friends. There then I viewed his profile. At first I felt so bad seeing his latest picture again. Then before blocking him in G+, I suddenly noticed that he was wearing the shirt I gave him. I am not sure what I felt, but for sure it made me smile a bit.
Because last time he told me he's going to take a pic wearing the shirt I gave him. But then, it didn't stop me from blocking him on the app.

Now, I unblock him in facebook. I thought since he isn't my friend there, I will not be able to see his wall... I was wrong! I saw everything. He post this music video "Cannonball" by Damien Rice. I searched for the meaning of the song... I didn't expect that it has something to do with me and him, I mean the song. He usually posts songs for his ex gf. But then this time, I tried to search for the meaning of the song. Then everyone in the forum tells that it was about a guy who had a bad relationship in the past and is now falling for someone new but is afraid to fall deeply to this new girl because he might get hurt again. This is about some girl who loves him but he wanted to take everything slowly with her and doesn't want to guard his feelings down. On the second thought, maybe he was referring to me??? Aaaah... assuming again...

Friday- Last night...

This is it... it's his last night in the Philippines. I don't know when am I going to see him again. I haven't even had the chance to see him this last night as we already had our sweet goodbye last Monday.

J.W.M. ... you're the only guy who made me cry like this. I don't even know if you're worth all the tears. I could have showed you more of what I can do... But looks like faith kept us apart as sign for me that I have to end everything.

Now, what happened on this Friday? Desperately wanting to see him that night, I don't mind if his 2 guy friends will see me meeting him. But then we had an exchange of bitter words that made me cry to my death. Exaggerating may it sound, but I was like a lost crazy lady who doesn't know where to go. I really wanted to see him for the last time.

Thank God for giving me a chance to talk to him before his flight which is tomorrow 1PM. We had more than an hour of talking somewhere in the Fort. He was a bit drunk. This time he's really talking. The things he were saying were some of the answers to the questions I've been asking myself before. But then still.... he left words like "maybe someday"... that again kept me hanging. Maybe after a month or more, he'll soon forget and ignore me. Now I have to prepare myself for that.

Sweet Goodbye...

Am I selfish?! I dated a new guy yet I still am thinking of the other same guy that I really like. Yes, the new guy is fun to talk and be with, still I am looking for the spark. Maybe I just have to ignite it to see, or maybe I am not yet ready to date a new guy.

Today is June 13. One month have already passed since the very unlucky Friday the 13th last May 13 (Where our supposedly movie date was ruined by his work). Now is a lucky day, I can tell. I went to the office last night to pick up my gift for him. He just got back from Singapore with his family. Now I have to see him last night to give it to him. I waited half an hour at a gas station for him. It doesn't feel like half an hour because he keeps updating me and apologizing as I know it wasn't his fault if he didn't got out of the plane at the time expected.

When I saw him, the day is complete. I just want to hug and kiss him. But then I can't do that because he might freak out. I gave him the shirt. He tried it and tadan!!! He looked good wearing the shirt. There then he thanked me again for the gift. He showed me an old printed pic of ours. It was our 2007 Bitmicro Christmas party. I told him I'm going to keep it. We stayed at his place for the whole night. We had pretty good night. But I had a hard time sleeping because I know I need to tell him a lot of things. But I don't wanna ruin the night so I stayed quiet. It felt good waking up in the morning and he's the first thing that you'll see. I know it will be the last time that I'm going to see him for now. But then he told me that I just have to think that where he's going is just a one plane away. Before leaving this morning, he saw that my dress sleeve is not fixed. That's so sweet of him to fix it for me instead of just pointing it. This is one of the reason why I like him. He's unpredictable.

My panda is going to leave the country in 4 days. I really am going to miss him. But I think I feel better now. At least it was a sweet goodbye.

I'm allergic!

When we say allergy, what comes into our mind? Me... I always thought of food allergy... But is there a thing called "everything that reminds me of you allergy?" ... or "A reminder of you allergy" or "emotional allergy"?!!

Every time I get to hear, read, see, feel, taste, aarrgh everything that my 5 senses sense that has something to do with him, I get allergies!!! haha!! I react to normally harmless things... Whenever I get to hear songs from Eraserheads, Dishwalla, Bush and other alternative rock he listens to which reminds me of him playing his guitar or drums, makes my heart beat faster and suddenly all that I can hear from the background is his drums... imagining him beating them.

The Allergy >_<

Then another... We had a new client for website development. It's a law firm which irritates me because it reminds me of his ex gf who's a lawyer and is working on a law firm too! Siya na ang lawyer! hahaha.. Insecure much? Siya na ang babaeng kayang magbigay ng Wenger watch worth 10k+ !!!

Meron pa... I was asked by my bridge engineer in Japan to look for photos that we can use on our website. I have no problem about it at first. But then when I found out that photos of US, Singapore and Malaysia is on the list... now what??? I remembered his photos when he went to US and the day he went to Singapore and of course the reason why the hell am I feeling so f*ckin' lonely lately is knowing the fact that he's going to be in Malaysia soon! I can already count the days on my hand and feet fingers!


Waaah everything reminds me of him! Even when I get to visit my facebook, my twitter , my skype, my YM.. everywhere he's around.

This isn't really healthy for me now. I want to get the cure to this kind of allergy!!! If there will be an easy cure.. or if there really is a cure.. please please

Make a Wish!

There were a lot of ways to make a wish. Some of us believe that if we do this and that, our all time wish and dream will come true.

Now on my age, I am not sure if I still believe in them. The thing is, I am so desperate in this one wish and this very one thing that I am hoping for. This is why I do everything that it takes to make it happen. I remember one of Paulo Coelho's book "The Alchemist". He mentioned that "when you really want something to happen, the whole universe conspires so that your wish comes true". With all my heart, I am wanting this- for him to fall in love with me. He already said he likes me but that doesn't change anything at all. I am sincere with what I feel for him and even a slight love from him will definitely help.

I tried a lot of ways of wishing. I've had a lot of first time visit on churches from Luzon to Visayas. My mom told me before that if it was your first time to enter a specific church, make a wish and it will come true. Truly, way back before,  it never failed me. Since the day my mom told me that, I am making a wish on first time visited churches. And yes, it all came true but it took time. But now, I don't know if it will come true at all.

Another thing I did was wishing on a shooting star! I've already did same thing before, and yes! my wish did came true. But now, still not coming true. I already wished on 3 shooting stars... and still no result.

That doesn't end it all. Of course, who will miss wishing on a wishing well? I also did that. There were many types of it. One is you simply throw a coin. The other, you should let the coin bump into a specific place in order for your wish to come true. ... Oh well! What do you know?? I did it all!

I also did candle lighting outside churches. They say you can light one candle per one wish. I did it twice. One is in Baclaran church, the other is in Cebu.

I even blew a wish plant...

And the new thing I did above them all is lighting incest candles on a taoist temple in Cebu. I have to take 3 sticks light them up, kneel , bow and wave it several times while making a wish.

Maybe I did too much??? Or I still need to ask for a fairy God mother or a bribe a cupid to finally hit his heart over mine!

Now, it doesn't end in just wishing. Of course I did some actions in order for this wish to come true. Now it's up to God if this is really meant for me. If this thing isn't really for me and God doesn't gave it to me... maybe it's a clear sign that this is not for me and it's not what I need.

Letting you go...

It sucks when in life you need to let go of something, yet something keeps you holding on.
Really, what keeps us holding on? Strength... Faith... Hope... these were the things that keeps me holding on right now. My love for him gives me that much strength to do things I haven't done before in my life. Faith is what makes me believe that even the most impossible thing might happen. Hope is what push me through everyday to survive.

Again with the guy I always mention in this blog, last night we had a far away different talk and bonding than the usual. We were both having a good laugh at each story exchange we had. As I look into his hazel brown eyes, I realize that I might not stare at those eyes again after a month. It s*cks! The feeling s*cks big time! I heard the best laugh from him when I told him a story bout my childhood. There should have been a lot more to talk about if only we were given a longer time together.

I want to turn back the time when he was just one of those people I don't know that they exists. I want to go back to the time when he was the one who keeps on texting me but I ignore him because I was too busy on more important things.

But it's too late to go back... because where I am now is what should I be dealing with.

Stronger? Stupid? Surviving!

I thought that because of everything that has happened to me in the past, I am now stronger. But I think everything is the exact opposite of what I thought.

During my high school and college days,  I already felt love or we may call it as puppy love. Have already known what it felt to be neglected, rejected and left by the one you admire most, the one you always want to see and to be with. I cried a million tears, but I was able to move on and carry on with my life. This is because I believe that someone out there better is going to come and something better is going to happen. And yes, it did happen, someone better came and something better happened. But all good things come to an end. Maybe it ended because it was really not meant for me or maybe because I don't really need and want it.

As I grow older, this puppy love is now evolving into a deeper kind of love. A love that is not selfish, not demanding and more often serious than what we have during our teenage years. When I fall in love, it's for real. You had this feeling that your world revolves around him, that everything you do is for him, that even even if he constantly neglects you, you don't care at all as long as you care for him. I woke up thinking about him. I fall asleep thinking about him. He's all I ever think about.

This time, it's so different. I fell in love with a guy who I don't even know if I had ever have a chance that he will fall in love with me too. We go out- yes. We talk much- yes. He knows I like him- yes. He like me- no idea. I don't know what's cruel, him using me or me allowing him to use me. He gave me sleepless nights. I am sick of crying. Until when will I have to stay in this kind of situation with him. I know that he's recently separated with his ex gf, so all I do is understand him that maybe.... just maybe, he's not ready to be in a relationship yet. But until when? He's going to leave the country soon. I will be left alone again, clueless of what we have-If really we have something or as usual, nag-assume na naman ako.  I cannot ask him right now because I know what the answer will be. "Alam mo namang hindi pa ko getover sa isa eh"... How many times do I have to bump my head on the wall for me to realize that what we have is nothing!!! I never felt this stupid and alone as before. I never felt so hopeless like this before.

This is me chasing both of them.

But God is still good. I can still continue my life. I still wake up in the morning, go the office and do my work as it is, even if deep inside me something bad is really happening. I am surviving. Some of my friends are already tired of hearing my rants everyday. Some of them gave up on giving me advices on what should I do. It's all up to me now. I wish I can let go of the stupidity and be stronger to survive.

Jealousy Strikes!

They say that jealousy is more of a self-love than love. For me? I think, not always. What if someone you like so much told you that a girl asked him out for a date, and he told you that he's nervous and don't know what to do about . Duh? Of course, I will totally get jealous. In the first place, if this guy knows you like him, why on earth do he need to tell you he's going out on a date with another girl???? He's so meeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaan! Arrrgh...

As jealousy strikes me, I have no other response but to tell him frankly how I felt. Why would I hide that I'm jealous? I cannot imagine him dating another girl! Or maybe I am more afraid on the fact that he may have a serious date with another girl that I think he didn't have with me.

At first he thought that I was just kidding. I told him I'm serious. In the end he finally said it was not really a "date" but it was just a "friendly date". Hmm.. I don't know what's the difference. There by then he kept on telling me it was really nothing that I shouldn't be jealous at all. It bothers me. He doesn't want me to get jealous and walk away from him. He wants to keep me.... keep me holding on, while in fact I don't even know where to hold on.... or until when will I hold on.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

"Don't worry, about a thing, Coz' every little thing is gonna be alright. " .... This is the song I wanted to play in my mind again and again. But for now, I feel like I have a big sign in my face that says "Born to get heartaches" that everything is not going to be alright at all.

Why do end up attracting dangerous type of men.   I know I have done a lot of mistakes in the past but it should not mean that I have to suffer like this. I took the step of deciding to finally leave him, ignore him and get him out of my mind, but I end up at the same situation of him getting me back again in his life. I've been stuck in the same situation for 3 months. Is he really the one who needs me now? Or am I am the one needing him badly that I can't resist him. Now the worst thing about it is that he's going to leave the country soon .... What on earth?!! I should have forgotten him a long time. Now I only have 1 month to prepare myself. Everything will be different  in a few months. Maybe just maybe God is making a way to help me forget him, that is cutting the chances of meeting with him. 

But then, in spite of it all, I am torn between two things that should be done - spend a good, happy and memorable time with him or hate him, ignore him and despise him so that if he'll leave soon, I can say "buti nalang wala na siya!!". These two things were my mind and heart fighting. My mind says that maybe it's much easier for me to let him go if I already hate him... But my heart tells me that maybe at least I can enjoy the few moments he's here. What to do? I don't know exactly! T_T

A Rat with Conscience

This is a cruel world. I have positively found out that in no doubt I am with an emotionally unavailable Man. Have already read this one article that contains the checklist how to determine if you're with an EUM. At first, I ignored it. But now, I cannot take how he verbally and emotionally abused me .

In this article-EUM, he crossed out a lot on the list.

Positively:

1. He’s recently separated
2. You’re not sure when you’ll hear from the next, even though you’ve been dating them for a while.
3. He shares a bed with a woman that he claims is his friend.
4. He admits that he is dating multiple women continuously.
5. He’s openly not over his ex.
6. He doesn’t call when he’s supposed to. Ever.
7. He’s one big walking excuse.
8. You feel empty after you sleep with him.
9. He has a stringent routine that he just won’t deviate from – sometimes a sign that he has someone else.
10. He talks about his problems, his successes, his life – it’s me, me, me all the way.
11. He never refers to you as a girlfriend, partner or any form of significant other.
12.There are pockets of time when he seems to just disappear, and then he resurfaces with little or no explanation.
13. It feels like he blows hot and cold.
14. He’s quick out the gate in pursuing you, gets your attention, and then goes into a slow canter. 
15. He actually says ‘I’m not ready for a relationship’, but is still with you.
16. He can’t commit to anything, no matter how miniscule. Everything that he’s asked, such as whether he can do something with you is a big drama to get him to say yay or nay.
17. Hes got about as much emotion in him as a stone.
18. You meet up when he wants to meet up.

I don't know who's meaner, a guy who has no conscience and shows he's bad behavior right in front of your face or a man with conscience, treating you good for sometime , showing you exactly what you want him to show you but for some unknown issues he has in life, he kept you hanging.... He's a rat with conscience!

 I wanted to help him so bad! Even if it looks like he doesn't need my help.  Haven't talk to him for 2 weeks...  but last night, he was so drunk he kept calling and texting me.. Sobrang hindi ko na matagalan at maglolowbat ang phone ko! So this morning, to my pity, I answered his call.  There it goes... he told me not to leave him clueless. He really cannot figure out by himself what the real problem is.  If he's not into me and he thinks that there is no future with us, he should stop annoying me! And let me move on!  But I am always stuck by the thought of "What if"... He really has his own ways of getting me back into his life, no matter how many times I keep telling myself to leave him alone. 

Overdrive

Within 2 weeks, songs of mid to late 90's OPM were playing all around me-aside from the fact that I have it on my playlist. Have heard it in the office (my officemate playing it out loud on his speaker), played on the bus, went to La Union and the bands were playing Eheads and Rivermaya songs, then early this morning, the FX's playlist as well. Very nostalgic, reminds me of my elementary days.

Have anyone had the feeling of driving on a road surrounded by trees with the Eheads songs playing on the background? This is exactly what I feel whenever I hear their songs playing.

Just about 2 months ago, I was in the exact moment where an Eheads song plays while I was driving the roads of Tagaytay. Everything seems perfect because on my passenger seat is the guy I like- and he loves Eraserheads too.

My life is like what I am when driving. I am in charge of the wheel. It's me who's going to decide where to go. Sometimes it may take time before I finally get to where I want, but I just have to be patient. But like my driving, I'll be the one deciding as well who am I going to allow to ride with me. Who'll be in and out of my life. They can either be a help to get me through my destination or a one big burden along the way. There maybe bumps on the roads , but they are still part of my journey.

But wherever may I go, how long may it take, or I may never get to my desired destination as I planned, I may take a tons of u-turns ... I'll just have to enjoy the ride while I'm on it. If only I can always enjoy the ride with him... I'll do for sure... But it can't be done.... Because he won't let me.

I want a Man not a Boy

Some boys are childish! Girls, do agree with me - we mature faster than them. I'm just 24 years old but I have been dating a lot of guys from different ages. But they were all the same... The way they think, act and the way they set their priorities in life. Some don't even know how to grow up.  They're fond of boasting the number of girls they dated. They're fond on having fun all the time but then getting into trouble and often starts a physical fight when someone breaks their ego. 

Let's site an example. There's this guy who's already married and has 2 lovely kids. He made his move on me! (He's just one of those 3-4 married guy who did the same. I don't know what's wrong with me, I even thought of myself as an "attached man magnet" @-@) ... Anyway, as I was saying, this guy asked me out for dinner. Maybe it's my mistake to give him a favor (libre naman eh ...hehe). But then after that, everything is different. He always texted me, call me.... OMG! You're married, what the hell are you doing? Valentine's day, he asked me out because he doesn't know where to go. (Forgot to mention that his wife is in US right now) . Pissed off, I told him that Valentine's Day is not just for couples. He should spend time with his 2 kids instead and celebrate it with them rather than fantasizing on me wearing a f*cking red dress on a candlelit dinner with him. They're never contented with what they have. 

This reminds me of a cartoon story "Peter Pan" ... Where the boy never grows up. Maybe because girls are all "Wendy". They're always there to take care of this boys who can't grow up.  They needed a Wendy in their life for them to survive. 

Bibingkinitan - Poor man's food

A girl like me will go out of her way just to see the guy he likes so much even if obviously this guy is just using her. (Even if he told for the nth time that he is not using me! But his actions are showing otherwise!)

Last night , I told on my previous blog that I am going to bring him something. Thought of bringing him a crema de fruta but the store has ran out of it. There by then at the corner of my eye, I saw one of my ex's favorite. Hahaha so stupid of me to think they're the same.

Arrived at his tiny room where I offered him the food. Nilait lang ... "Ano ba  yan? Poor man's food"... I came to an ultimate shock as I wasn't expecting such a comment from him . Boy's will never know how to appreciate such effort and kindness.

SG with a cup of cough and colds

20 mins left before leaving this office and finally see him. What's with the cough and colds? I'm going to meet this guy I've been "dating" - don't even know if he even consider it a date! F* him! Because he just got back from Singapore now he's with cough and colds. And here I am, pity girl who always put guys whom she likes so much in top of her priority and schedule. And all this time, this guy thinks this girl who cares a lot to him is just a crazy bitch. Pfft...

Now, before leaving, I am thinking what to bring him. (Do I really need to bring him something?) ... Naah... Yes? uh... of course, I am the girl who cares a lot for him so I should bring him something as to my other motive of impressing him. Oh well.. I hope everything will work out fine. I don't expect that much. A little "Thank You" will do!