I'm allergic!

When we say allergy, what comes into our mind? Me... I always thought of food allergy... But is there a thing called "everything that reminds me of you allergy?" ... or "A reminder of you allergy" or "emotional allergy"?!!

Every time I get to hear, read, see, feel, taste, aarrgh everything that my 5 senses sense that has something to do with him, I get allergies!!! haha!! I react to normally harmless things... Whenever I get to hear songs from Eraserheads, Dishwalla, Bush and other alternative rock he listens to which reminds me of him playing his guitar or drums, makes my heart beat faster and suddenly all that I can hear from the background is his drums... imagining him beating them.

The Allergy >_<

Then another... We had a new client for website development. It's a law firm which irritates me because it reminds me of his ex gf who's a lawyer and is working on a law firm too! Siya na ang lawyer! hahaha.. Insecure much? Siya na ang babaeng kayang magbigay ng Wenger watch worth 10k+ !!!

Meron pa... I was asked by my bridge engineer in Japan to look for photos that we can use on our website. I have no problem about it at first. But then when I found out that photos of US, Singapore and Malaysia is on the list... now what??? I remembered his photos when he went to US and the day he went to Singapore and of course the reason why the hell am I feeling so f*ckin' lonely lately is knowing the fact that he's going to be in Malaysia soon! I can already count the days on my hand and feet fingers!


Waaah everything reminds me of him! Even when I get to visit my facebook, my twitter , my skype, my YM.. everywhere he's around.

This isn't really healthy for me now. I want to get the cure to this kind of allergy!!! If there will be an easy cure.. or if there really is a cure.. please please

Make a Wish!

There were a lot of ways to make a wish. Some of us believe that if we do this and that, our all time wish and dream will come true.

Now on my age, I am not sure if I still believe in them. The thing is, I am so desperate in this one wish and this very one thing that I am hoping for. This is why I do everything that it takes to make it happen. I remember one of Paulo Coelho's book "The Alchemist". He mentioned that "when you really want something to happen, the whole universe conspires so that your wish comes true". With all my heart, I am wanting this- for him to fall in love with me. He already said he likes me but that doesn't change anything at all. I am sincere with what I feel for him and even a slight love from him will definitely help.

I tried a lot of ways of wishing. I've had a lot of first time visit on churches from Luzon to Visayas. My mom told me before that if it was your first time to enter a specific church, make a wish and it will come true. Truly, way back before,  it never failed me. Since the day my mom told me that, I am making a wish on first time visited churches. And yes, it all came true but it took time. But now, I don't know if it will come true at all.

Another thing I did was wishing on a shooting star! I've already did same thing before, and yes! my wish did came true. But now, still not coming true. I already wished on 3 shooting stars... and still no result.

That doesn't end it all. Of course, who will miss wishing on a wishing well? I also did that. There were many types of it. One is you simply throw a coin. The other, you should let the coin bump into a specific place in order for your wish to come true. ... Oh well! What do you know?? I did it all!

I also did candle lighting outside churches. They say you can light one candle per one wish. I did it twice. One is in Baclaran church, the other is in Cebu.

I even blew a wish plant...

And the new thing I did above them all is lighting incest candles on a taoist temple in Cebu. I have to take 3 sticks light them up, kneel , bow and wave it several times while making a wish.

Maybe I did too much??? Or I still need to ask for a fairy God mother or a bribe a cupid to finally hit his heart over mine!

Now, it doesn't end in just wishing. Of course I did some actions in order for this wish to come true. Now it's up to God if this is really meant for me. If this thing isn't really for me and God doesn't gave it to me... maybe it's a clear sign that this is not for me and it's not what I need.

Letting you go...

It sucks when in life you need to let go of something, yet something keeps you holding on.
Really, what keeps us holding on? Strength... Faith... Hope... these were the things that keeps me holding on right now. My love for him gives me that much strength to do things I haven't done before in my life. Faith is what makes me believe that even the most impossible thing might happen. Hope is what push me through everyday to survive.

Again with the guy I always mention in this blog, last night we had a far away different talk and bonding than the usual. We were both having a good laugh at each story exchange we had. As I look into his hazel brown eyes, I realize that I might not stare at those eyes again after a month. It s*cks! The feeling s*cks big time! I heard the best laugh from him when I told him a story bout my childhood. There should have been a lot more to talk about if only we were given a longer time together.

I want to turn back the time when he was just one of those people I don't know that they exists. I want to go back to the time when he was the one who keeps on texting me but I ignore him because I was too busy on more important things.

But it's too late to go back... because where I am now is what should I be dealing with.

Stronger? Stupid? Surviving!

I thought that because of everything that has happened to me in the past, I am now stronger. But I think everything is the exact opposite of what I thought.

During my high school and college days,  I already felt love or we may call it as puppy love. Have already known what it felt to be neglected, rejected and left by the one you admire most, the one you always want to see and to be with. I cried a million tears, but I was able to move on and carry on with my life. This is because I believe that someone out there better is going to come and something better is going to happen. And yes, it did happen, someone better came and something better happened. But all good things come to an end. Maybe it ended because it was really not meant for me or maybe because I don't really need and want it.

As I grow older, this puppy love is now evolving into a deeper kind of love. A love that is not selfish, not demanding and more often serious than what we have during our teenage years. When I fall in love, it's for real. You had this feeling that your world revolves around him, that everything you do is for him, that even even if he constantly neglects you, you don't care at all as long as you care for him. I woke up thinking about him. I fall asleep thinking about him. He's all I ever think about.

This time, it's so different. I fell in love with a guy who I don't even know if I had ever have a chance that he will fall in love with me too. We go out- yes. We talk much- yes. He knows I like him- yes. He like me- no idea. I don't know what's cruel, him using me or me allowing him to use me. He gave me sleepless nights. I am sick of crying. Until when will I have to stay in this kind of situation with him. I know that he's recently separated with his ex gf, so all I do is understand him that maybe.... just maybe, he's not ready to be in a relationship yet. But until when? He's going to leave the country soon. I will be left alone again, clueless of what we have-If really we have something or as usual, nag-assume na naman ako.  I cannot ask him right now because I know what the answer will be. "Alam mo namang hindi pa ko getover sa isa eh"... How many times do I have to bump my head on the wall for me to realize that what we have is nothing!!! I never felt this stupid and alone as before. I never felt so hopeless like this before.

This is me chasing both of them.

But God is still good. I can still continue my life. I still wake up in the morning, go the office and do my work as it is, even if deep inside me something bad is really happening. I am surviving. Some of my friends are already tired of hearing my rants everyday. Some of them gave up on giving me advices on what should I do. It's all up to me now. I wish I can let go of the stupidity and be stronger to survive.

Jealousy Strikes!

They say that jealousy is more of a self-love than love. For me? I think, not always. What if someone you like so much told you that a girl asked him out for a date, and he told you that he's nervous and don't know what to do about . Duh? Of course, I will totally get jealous. In the first place, if this guy knows you like him, why on earth do he need to tell you he's going out on a date with another girl???? He's so meeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaan! Arrrgh...

As jealousy strikes me, I have no other response but to tell him frankly how I felt. Why would I hide that I'm jealous? I cannot imagine him dating another girl! Or maybe I am more afraid on the fact that he may have a serious date with another girl that I think he didn't have with me.

At first he thought that I was just kidding. I told him I'm serious. In the end he finally said it was not really a "date" but it was just a "friendly date". Hmm.. I don't know what's the difference. There by then he kept on telling me it was really nothing that I shouldn't be jealous at all. It bothers me. He doesn't want me to get jealous and walk away from him. He wants to keep me.... keep me holding on, while in fact I don't even know where to hold on.... or until when will I hold on.