Panda is coming to Town

Can you not believe this?

I heard the most ear blasting news this morning! My worst nightmare is going to visit Philippines. I never thought that he'll be the first to get back here rather than me getting in Malaysia. How sad... I know we cut our communication already... and I can still understand that's he's only human. He will soon get tired of texting or calling me without me answering it... but I think that already happened. He's already tired of it... same as me so tired of waiting for him to finally treat me right.

But come to think of it? Looks like it is still me that is affected of his visit. I am still hoping that he would text me and inform me he's going to be here... that he wanted to see me.. What would I do if that happens? But no no no... I think it will be impossible for him to do that... I think he already have some other plans and I am not included in them. But still , I picture in my mind, him in front of me wearing the shirt I gave him... staring at those hazel brown eyes... Oh my G! What's going on? I thought I am finally over him... but I think he cut me so deep that it's not even close to being a scar... it's still a wound...

I would love to stab his heart! Stab him to death! arrrgh... Still afected? It is because I still care. Oh Panda! how I wish I could just forget you... forget everything... can someone rescue me from this bullshit??? is there someone out there willing to risk their heart for me???.

Am I talking too much?

Finally! He tried to call me early this morning... But then my phone rejected the call because I set it to be rejected. Now... He finally emailed me! For a long time, I have been waiting for him to contact me in other ways... He thought that my number is no longer working. So I think this coming months, I will no longer receive any messages from him. Ohhh... I don't know how to feel. He still doesn't know why am I ignoring him. He still doesn't understand.... I did enough explaining before... It's just that, why would he even tell me now that he hates it whenever I talk too much, that I can't keep anything to myself. Wala naman siya sa situation ko eh :( ... Hindi niya alam mga pinagdaanan ko. If he can't accept the fact that there is something wrong with him, then it's his problem. I just need to tell what's happening with my friends because I need someone to talk to... To tell me that life is not over just because I broke my heart for being stupid.

He doesn't really get it? I still love him... I still miss him... but he's not worth the pain and sacrifice. If he's not ready, he shouldn't have went beyond the limits of friendship. We did things more than a couple could do. Now he told me he wasn't ready??? So what am I? 

I hope someday he'll realize his mistakes. I don't blame him for everything. I have my own fault too... I should have not let him get this far. :( ... Now he's making me cry again. I'll hold my ground. I'll stay as it is. There's no future between us-- yun ang gusto ko isipin! 

My almost lover

It's been a month since the last time I answered his text and YM messages . I'm doing better now. I no longer cry on my sleep. I no longer wake up crying. Sleepless night were finally vanishing as time goes by. One day, all I can think about is how stupid I am to think that he even care. How blinded I am not to see his real purpose on keeping me. I've learned a lot during those hard times.  One day, he'll just have to look back at the times when I was always there for him, when I was always there to understand his needs... all the times when he feel so alone I was there to cheer him up.

I did love Jay... but I can no longer wait further for him to be ready. He told me that if he's ready, he "might" court me.. naaah... Whenever I think of the way he talks to me, I know he's lying.

I'll be on Malaysia by next month. He just texted me a while ago , asking if when will I go there...Urrrggh... of course I did not reply. I already told to myself, a very big damage has been done ...and it's over between us. I've been better without him... I just hope I can finally mend this broken heart of mine. I will not fall in love again unless I am ready. Oh , sounds familiar? Am I being like him now? But one thing for sure, if I know someone doesn't have a chance with me... I won't keep them hanging. I won't let them fall as I know what it feels like to fall for someone with no intention of catching you. These words are all that I can utter for now- "Goodbye my almost lover, my luckless romance and my hopeless dream.... "