The letter never sent

November 2012: To the guy with no balls! I know you're so busy today.. and I'm glad you were able to make your day as productive as possible like what your dad wants you to do. I'm writing cause I really wanted to tell you how I feel... Let me thank you for giving me the chance to know your family. But since yesterday, I'm feeling very sad.. I was glad to hear the truth from your parents... but I was so saddened by what I heard... I'm not against them cause theye have been nice to me during my stay, but what they say is not connected with the things you tell that makes me sad... and how things are going... You told me to do what I want to help me grow, but your parents tells me not to do it anymore... which means you're lying when you told me that? You know how I wanted to balance things in my life. I saw your ex's message telling Maane how guys like you cannot be trusted with their words. One like you tells something but do things the other way. I love you, but I can't erase the fact that I'm having doubts if I really know you... I'm still blind... that's why I wanted to know you better and better... and whatever I am discovering in you, my love for you won't affect it... I'm just scared... I usually hold into your words cause that's is mostly the foundation of our relationship... We talk more with words over email and text messages rather than being together.. That is why I'm so afraid that all your words that I'm holding on , all the things you say you will do, you won't do in real life. I remember you telling me that expectations makes a person grow. And I'm feeling that you're expecting a lot from me. I get so intimidated with the fact that you yourself wanted to show me that I'm below your family's standard. I'm not against that cause even if that's their point, they respect me and I'm happy with that and that's your family so I totally respect them too.. al their views and points in life. But the problem is, you yourself threatens me in your words that I don't expect. You are breaking and pinching a piece of my heart. I've been thinking a lot lately... How God can help me in times of this. I'm hurt... I'm not happy... Did you really fought for Mhyles? I don't wanna dig into your past, but what you are now is because of your past. I don't know what really happened, but the way you tell me things like "di ko ipagpapalit papa ko kahit kanino. Sana kayananin mo.", what do you exactly mean? I'm not even taking you away from him. It's like I have to prove something to you. I told you, i wanted to have you both. You're building me up but then shooting me down. LIke everything is a test.. like everything I do should please you... I hope I'm wrong with that. I totally want to see you happy... successful and meet your dad's expectations from you. They really love you, and being in your life hopefully it will help you grow too... I'm just here :) I love you!

Broken

5 months... It has been 5 months since I last saw you Panda...still you get to cross my mind every now and then...
Anyway, this has nothing to do with what I'm going to rant now...

No one can understand what I'm going through, but myself... What was that?

Where the hell am I going to get the pieces I'm looking for. This is way to more like a midlife crisis. I want to travel around the world... I want growth on my career... I want to get married with someone who'll accept me for what I am, for what I want , I want to make my family proud of me. But looks like I was trying too hard... ending up broken. I don't know my top priorities. I know I wanted to travel ... but it would be better if I have someone beside me to accompany me..

Who's that guy?

Yeah yeah... Don't make promises when you're happy or angry! Damn! Why do end up liking guys who don't even know what they want in life- maybe because I too doesn't know what I want in my life hahaha. I don't know how it feels to fall in love anymore. All this time, I think I never was in love with anyone else, rather I see them as an achievement... That's why I end up liking someone who rarely date me or talk to me. I'm so fond and excited with the chasing part -- me chasing them rather than them chasing me. I get easily annoyed when someone's chasing me or is very predictable with what they can do to get me.

Is really the mysteriousness of guys that makes them attractive? In my observation, girls love bad ass looking guys. They have nice guys around them but often just place them on the friend zone. As much I wanted to tell myself to rest from dating guys and focus on my family, career growth, money, and travel, still I entertain guys for dating.

Damn damn damn! I can't find the right guy. If there's no right guy, then I should settle for the one's left ...

New Guy

When can you tell you're ready to date a new guy after a huge heartbreak?
How on earth are you going to find out that this time it will be different?
Maybe I'm just rushing into things right now that in order to forget my old guy, I have to find a new guy.
But I'm not sure if it's a good idea or not.

I am dating a new guy right now. He's personality kinda interests me. But at first, I hesitated of going out with him because I was so afraid that I might get easily caught by him and rush into things and I might get hurt again for the nnnnntttthh time! But I can't help it. He asked me out one time, I wanted to refuse him, but I can't hide that I am shuddered in delight upon knowing that he likes to hang out with me that often so we can get to know each other better.

Really? am I ready for this? Dating... can I really call it a date?
Maybe I was just excited in the fact that someone is interested with me.
But now, I think the best thing to do is hold back a little bit and don't plunge into having a relationship just because I'm lonely and I came from a heartbreak.

Maybe it's better to just play around for the moment.
Just don't know until when am I going to be like this.

I just want to feel that I'm special to someone again.
I miss the feeling of being loved and cared...
I miss being someone's everything...

The End

Stupid blog! I just got back from Malaysia... I wasn't able to see him there. Not that I don't have the chance, but I don't want to, in spite the fact that I did book for Malaysia just to see him -- that was the original plan.

Kuala Lumpur is 4 hours away to Penang. Finally, everything ended. He has a new girlfriend now. Was so hard for me to find it out unexpectedly.... although he told me that by joking... thought it was just a joke but he was telling the truth that time. I almost passed out when I got to read how they exchange sweet words, their photos together where we never had one. How happy looking he was with her. All this time he was interested with someone else, that is why he keeps on telling me "I'm not yet ready"...

It was right for me to ignore him before. I know it's the right move. He never loved me or cared for me from the start. He really just want the "S" thing from me.

I don't wanna get mad anymore. I've had enough. Still,what happened between us makes me sad whenever it crosses my mind. But as my ex have told me before.. acceptance will bring me peace. I should learn to accept that some things are really not meant for me.

I'm still a creep and a weirdo

Yeah... I thought that I will no longer write on this blog. I thought I'm finally over him... As stupid as it may seem... I still am not! He texted me when he visited Philippines. He was asking me the stupid question if who am I dating now... but have not given him the chance to see me, though he did not really ask me to go out with him.

I thought that 2 months is enough to forget him and finally forget everything that he has done to me. That the longer that I haven't talk to him, ignore him, he will finally realize what have he done wrong. No, he did not realize anything. He has no idea that he did something wrong... or maybe he knows but there was too many pride in him to admit it.

For the past 2 months, I tried to keep myself busy by going to places I've never been, moving from one place to another, buying stuffs, reading books, pampering myself, even seeing and going out with a married man. ??? Am I out of my mind? yes! This is what heartbreak made me do.


I said I don't need a guy like him in my life. But it was never my intention to fell in love with him even if he doesn't deserve everything. I still care. He doesn't know how hard it was for me to ignore him and don't reply on his text, or block him on my facebook account. It was so hard for me to give him the space that I thought he needs. Ha! I still want him... Every time he texts me , I know I still can feel that I'm glad he remembered. As much as I wanted to reply, I know it was better not to. He doesn't know that... He thinks I did not care at all... He will never understand. Mamatay na ako pero mukang kahit kelan hindi niya malalaman kung gaano kahirap sa part ko.

Am I alone in this world feeling like this? Just wondering if someone else feels the same way for him. I wonder if he treated someone like this before...

Now he even doubt what I feel. He doesn't believe na gusto ko parin ang taong binabastos ako. That's the hardest part of loving. I don't care for myself at all. Haaay.... Weirdo talaga ko!

Panda is coming to Town

Can you not believe this?

I heard the most ear blasting news this morning! My worst nightmare is going to visit Philippines. I never thought that he'll be the first to get back here rather than me getting in Malaysia. How sad... I know we cut our communication already... and I can still understand that's he's only human. He will soon get tired of texting or calling me without me answering it... but I think that already happened. He's already tired of it... same as me so tired of waiting for him to finally treat me right.

But come to think of it? Looks like it is still me that is affected of his visit. I am still hoping that he would text me and inform me he's going to be here... that he wanted to see me.. What would I do if that happens? But no no no... I think it will be impossible for him to do that... I think he already have some other plans and I am not included in them. But still , I picture in my mind, him in front of me wearing the shirt I gave him... staring at those hazel brown eyes... Oh my G! What's going on? I thought I am finally over him... but I think he cut me so deep that it's not even close to being a scar... it's still a wound...

I would love to stab his heart! Stab him to death! arrrgh... Still afected? It is because I still care. Oh Panda! how I wish I could just forget you... forget everything... can someone rescue me from this bullshit??? is there someone out there willing to risk their heart for me???.