Panda is coming to Town

Can you not believe this?

I heard the most ear blasting news this morning! My worst nightmare is going to visit Philippines. I never thought that he'll be the first to get back here rather than me getting in Malaysia. How sad... I know we cut our communication already... and I can still understand that's he's only human. He will soon get tired of texting or calling me without me answering it... but I think that already happened. He's already tired of it... same as me so tired of waiting for him to finally treat me right.

But come to think of it? Looks like it is still me that is affected of his visit. I am still hoping that he would text me and inform me he's going to be here... that he wanted to see me.. What would I do if that happens? But no no no... I think it will be impossible for him to do that... I think he already have some other plans and I am not included in them. But still , I picture in my mind, him in front of me wearing the shirt I gave him... staring at those hazel brown eyes... Oh my G! What's going on? I thought I am finally over him... but I think he cut me so deep that it's not even close to being a scar... it's still a wound...

I would love to stab his heart! Stab him to death! arrrgh... Still afected? It is because I still care. Oh Panda! how I wish I could just forget you... forget everything... can someone rescue me from this bullshit??? is there someone out there willing to risk their heart for me???.

Stronger? Stupid? Surviving!

I thought that because of everything that has happened to me in the past, I am now stronger. But I think everything is the exact opposite of what I thought.

During my high school and college days,  I already felt love or we may call it as puppy love. Have already known what it felt to be neglected, rejected and left by the one you admire most, the one you always want to see and to be with. I cried a million tears, but I was able to move on and carry on with my life. This is because I believe that someone out there better is going to come and something better is going to happen. And yes, it did happen, someone better came and something better happened. But all good things come to an end. Maybe it ended because it was really not meant for me or maybe because I don't really need and want it.

As I grow older, this puppy love is now evolving into a deeper kind of love. A love that is not selfish, not demanding and more often serious than what we have during our teenage years. When I fall in love, it's for real. You had this feeling that your world revolves around him, that everything you do is for him, that even even if he constantly neglects you, you don't care at all as long as you care for him. I woke up thinking about him. I fall asleep thinking about him. He's all I ever think about.

This time, it's so different. I fell in love with a guy who I don't even know if I had ever have a chance that he will fall in love with me too. We go out- yes. We talk much- yes. He knows I like him- yes. He like me- no idea. I don't know what's cruel, him using me or me allowing him to use me. He gave me sleepless nights. I am sick of crying. Until when will I have to stay in this kind of situation with him. I know that he's recently separated with his ex gf, so all I do is understand him that maybe.... just maybe, he's not ready to be in a relationship yet. But until when? He's going to leave the country soon. I will be left alone again, clueless of what we have-If really we have something or as usual, nag-assume na naman ako.  I cannot ask him right now because I know what the answer will be. "Alam mo namang hindi pa ko getover sa isa eh"... How many times do I have to bump my head on the wall for me to realize that what we have is nothing!!! I never felt this stupid and alone as before. I never felt so hopeless like this before.

This is me chasing both of them.

But God is still good. I can still continue my life. I still wake up in the morning, go the office and do my work as it is, even if deep inside me something bad is really happening. I am surviving. Some of my friends are already tired of hearing my rants everyday. Some of them gave up on giving me advices on what should I do. It's all up to me now. I wish I can let go of the stupidity and be stronger to survive.