Am I talking too much?

Finally! He tried to call me early this morning... But then my phone rejected the call because I set it to be rejected. Now... He finally emailed me! For a long time, I have been waiting for him to contact me in other ways... He thought that my number is no longer working. So I think this coming months, I will no longer receive any messages from him. Ohhh... I don't know how to feel. He still doesn't know why am I ignoring him. He still doesn't understand.... I did enough explaining before... It's just that, why would he even tell me now that he hates it whenever I talk too much, that I can't keep anything to myself. Wala naman siya sa situation ko eh :( ... Hindi niya alam mga pinagdaanan ko. If he can't accept the fact that there is something wrong with him, then it's his problem. I just need to tell what's happening with my friends because I need someone to talk to... To tell me that life is not over just because I broke my heart for being stupid.

He doesn't really get it? I still love him... I still miss him... but he's not worth the pain and sacrifice. If he's not ready, he shouldn't have went beyond the limits of friendship. We did things more than a couple could do. Now he told me he wasn't ready??? So what am I? 

I hope someday he'll realize his mistakes. I don't blame him for everything. I have my own fault too... I should have not let him get this far. :( ... Now he's making me cry again. I'll hold my ground. I'll stay as it is. There's no future between us-- yun ang gusto ko isipin! 

My almost lover

It's been a month since the last time I answered his text and YM messages . I'm doing better now. I no longer cry on my sleep. I no longer wake up crying. Sleepless night were finally vanishing as time goes by. One day, all I can think about is how stupid I am to think that he even care. How blinded I am not to see his real purpose on keeping me. I've learned a lot during those hard times.  One day, he'll just have to look back at the times when I was always there for him, when I was always there to understand his needs... all the times when he feel so alone I was there to cheer him up.

I did love Jay... but I can no longer wait further for him to be ready. He told me that if he's ready, he "might" court me.. naaah... Whenever I think of the way he talks to me, I know he's lying.

I'll be on Malaysia by next month. He just texted me a while ago , asking if when will I go there...Urrrggh... of course I did not reply. I already told to myself, a very big damage has been done ...and it's over between us. I've been better without him... I just hope I can finally mend this broken heart of mine. I will not fall in love again unless I am ready. Oh , sounds familiar? Am I being like him now? But one thing for sure, if I know someone doesn't have a chance with me... I won't keep them hanging. I won't let them fall as I know what it feels like to fall for someone with no intention of catching you. These words are all that I can utter for now- "Goodbye my almost lover, my luckless romance and my hopeless dream.... "

Social Network for Desperate Lovers

Waiting for that cellular phone to ring? How about putting it on a silent mode so you'll have more suspense if someone did text or call you? 1 month have passed since the last time we saw each other... and honestly I am missing him again. For the first 2 weeks we did not cut our communication. He still texts me and I still text him. He even called me twice. But then it all ended up to the point again that even if he's no longer here, he hurt my feelings by the way he talks to me.

He still doesn't show the respect I wanted. He is obviously just talking to me because he needs something from me. I came to this point where I have decided to cut all communications with him. One good start is blocking him in YM and Facebook, then adding both his Globe and Malaysia number to my rejected number list. He have no idea that I'll be gone for good. He still text me (sad for me not having a smartphone that can block SMS). But for 2 weeks I haven't talk to him which is a good sign that taking this step will make things better this time.

But what? I created my google+(a news trending SNS application) account by google. Then just this week he appeared on my suggested list of friends. There then I viewed his profile. At first I felt so bad seeing his latest picture again. Then before blocking him in G+, I suddenly noticed that he was wearing the shirt I gave him. I am not sure what I felt, but for sure it made me smile a bit.
Because last time he told me he's going to take a pic wearing the shirt I gave him. But then, it didn't stop me from blocking him on the app.

Now, I unblock him in facebook. I thought since he isn't my friend there, I will not be able to see his wall... I was wrong! I saw everything. He post this music video "Cannonball" by Damien Rice. I searched for the meaning of the song... I didn't expect that it has something to do with me and him, I mean the song. He usually posts songs for his ex gf. But then this time, I tried to search for the meaning of the song. Then everyone in the forum tells that it was about a guy who had a bad relationship in the past and is now falling for someone new but is afraid to fall deeply to this new girl because he might get hurt again. This is about some girl who loves him but he wanted to take everything slowly with her and doesn't want to guard his feelings down. On the second thought, maybe he was referring to me??? Aaaah... assuming again...

Friday- Last night...

This is it... it's his last night in the Philippines. I don't know when am I going to see him again. I haven't even had the chance to see him this last night as we already had our sweet goodbye last Monday.

J.W.M. ... you're the only guy who made me cry like this. I don't even know if you're worth all the tears. I could have showed you more of what I can do... But looks like faith kept us apart as sign for me that I have to end everything.

Now, what happened on this Friday? Desperately wanting to see him that night, I don't mind if his 2 guy friends will see me meeting him. But then we had an exchange of bitter words that made me cry to my death. Exaggerating may it sound, but I was like a lost crazy lady who doesn't know where to go. I really wanted to see him for the last time.

Thank God for giving me a chance to talk to him before his flight which is tomorrow 1PM. We had more than an hour of talking somewhere in the Fort. He was a bit drunk. This time he's really talking. The things he were saying were some of the answers to the questions I've been asking myself before. But then still.... he left words like "maybe someday"... that again kept me hanging. Maybe after a month or more, he'll soon forget and ignore me. Now I have to prepare myself for that.

Sweet Goodbye...

Am I selfish?! I dated a new guy yet I still am thinking of the other same guy that I really like. Yes, the new guy is fun to talk and be with, still I am looking for the spark. Maybe I just have to ignite it to see, or maybe I am not yet ready to date a new guy.

Today is June 13. One month have already passed since the very unlucky Friday the 13th last May 13 (Where our supposedly movie date was ruined by his work). Now is a lucky day, I can tell. I went to the office last night to pick up my gift for him. He just got back from Singapore with his family. Now I have to see him last night to give it to him. I waited half an hour at a gas station for him. It doesn't feel like half an hour because he keeps updating me and apologizing as I know it wasn't his fault if he didn't got out of the plane at the time expected.

When I saw him, the day is complete. I just want to hug and kiss him. But then I can't do that because he might freak out. I gave him the shirt. He tried it and tadan!!! He looked good wearing the shirt. There then he thanked me again for the gift. He showed me an old printed pic of ours. It was our 2007 Bitmicro Christmas party. I told him I'm going to keep it. We stayed at his place for the whole night. We had pretty good night. But I had a hard time sleeping because I know I need to tell him a lot of things. But I don't wanna ruin the night so I stayed quiet. It felt good waking up in the morning and he's the first thing that you'll see. I know it will be the last time that I'm going to see him for now. But then he told me that I just have to think that where he's going is just a one plane away. Before leaving this morning, he saw that my dress sleeve is not fixed. That's so sweet of him to fix it for me instead of just pointing it. This is one of the reason why I like him. He's unpredictable.

My panda is going to leave the country in 4 days. I really am going to miss him. But I think I feel better now. At least it was a sweet goodbye.

I'm allergic!

When we say allergy, what comes into our mind? Me... I always thought of food allergy... But is there a thing called "everything that reminds me of you allergy?" ... or "A reminder of you allergy" or "emotional allergy"?!!

Every time I get to hear, read, see, feel, taste, aarrgh everything that my 5 senses sense that has something to do with him, I get allergies!!! haha!! I react to normally harmless things... Whenever I get to hear songs from Eraserheads, Dishwalla, Bush and other alternative rock he listens to which reminds me of him playing his guitar or drums, makes my heart beat faster and suddenly all that I can hear from the background is his drums... imagining him beating them.

The Allergy >_<

Then another... We had a new client for website development. It's a law firm which irritates me because it reminds me of his ex gf who's a lawyer and is working on a law firm too! Siya na ang lawyer! hahaha.. Insecure much? Siya na ang babaeng kayang magbigay ng Wenger watch worth 10k+ !!!

Meron pa... I was asked by my bridge engineer in Japan to look for photos that we can use on our website. I have no problem about it at first. But then when I found out that photos of US, Singapore and Malaysia is on the list... now what??? I remembered his photos when he went to US and the day he went to Singapore and of course the reason why the hell am I feeling so f*ckin' lonely lately is knowing the fact that he's going to be in Malaysia soon! I can already count the days on my hand and feet fingers!


Waaah everything reminds me of him! Even when I get to visit my facebook, my twitter , my skype, my YM.. everywhere he's around.

This isn't really healthy for me now. I want to get the cure to this kind of allergy!!! If there will be an easy cure.. or if there really is a cure.. please please

Make a Wish!

There were a lot of ways to make a wish. Some of us believe that if we do this and that, our all time wish and dream will come true.

Now on my age, I am not sure if I still believe in them. The thing is, I am so desperate in this one wish and this very one thing that I am hoping for. This is why I do everything that it takes to make it happen. I remember one of Paulo Coelho's book "The Alchemist". He mentioned that "when you really want something to happen, the whole universe conspires so that your wish comes true". With all my heart, I am wanting this- for him to fall in love with me. He already said he likes me but that doesn't change anything at all. I am sincere with what I feel for him and even a slight love from him will definitely help.

I tried a lot of ways of wishing. I've had a lot of first time visit on churches from Luzon to Visayas. My mom told me before that if it was your first time to enter a specific church, make a wish and it will come true. Truly, way back before,  it never failed me. Since the day my mom told me that, I am making a wish on first time visited churches. And yes, it all came true but it took time. But now, I don't know if it will come true at all.

Another thing I did was wishing on a shooting star! I've already did same thing before, and yes! my wish did came true. But now, still not coming true. I already wished on 3 shooting stars... and still no result.

That doesn't end it all. Of course, who will miss wishing on a wishing well? I also did that. There were many types of it. One is you simply throw a coin. The other, you should let the coin bump into a specific place in order for your wish to come true. ... Oh well! What do you know?? I did it all!

I also did candle lighting outside churches. They say you can light one candle per one wish. I did it twice. One is in Baclaran church, the other is in Cebu.

I even blew a wish plant...

And the new thing I did above them all is lighting incest candles on a taoist temple in Cebu. I have to take 3 sticks light them up, kneel , bow and wave it several times while making a wish.

Maybe I did too much??? Or I still need to ask for a fairy God mother or a bribe a cupid to finally hit his heart over mine!

Now, it doesn't end in just wishing. Of course I did some actions in order for this wish to come true. Now it's up to God if this is really meant for me. If this thing isn't really for me and God doesn't gave it to me... maybe it's a clear sign that this is not for me and it's not what I need.